The ultimate guide to failing fast and spectacularly at insect farming

A step-by-step playbook for incinerating investor capital

So, you’ve decided to join the insect protein revolution! Forget chickens, cows, or actual proven business models – the future is tiny, wriggling, and hungry for your cash (or preferably investor cash). Follow this foolproof failing fast guide to ensure your insect factory doesn’t just stumble, but collapses in a cloud of debt, regulatory despair, and unsold maggot dust. You’re welcome.

Step 1: Bet the farm on “sustainability vibes”

Ignore pesky details like cost or market demand. Your customers (theoretical ones, anyway) will gladly pay triple for “planet-positive protein”! Brand everything in shades of avocado and recycled cardboard. When feed mills ask for your price-per-ton, respond: “But have you considered the carbon credits?” If they hesitate, accuse them of loving deforestation. 

Pro Tip: Base your entire revenue model on a “green premium” that mysteriously never materializes.  

Step 2: Scale like you are printing money (because you’ll need to)  

Start small? Pfft. Amateur hour. Secure $200M in VC funding immediately by promising “AI-powered vertical insect ecosystems that will save the planet.” Build a space-age facility the size of an airport hangar. Fill it with bespoke Dutch bioreactors that cost more per unit than a Lamborghini. Automation is key! Because why pay 10 workers $20/hour when you can spend $5 million on a robot that occasionally flings larvae into the ventilation system? Efficiency!

Step 3: Feedstock? Just use whatever (legality optional!)  

The secret to profitability is free waste, right? Ignore Western regulations completely. Secretly plan to feed your flies a gourmet blend of expired sushi, pig slurry, cow shit and unicorn tears. When regulators inevitably raid your factory clutching EU Directive 2021/1375 (“Thou Shalt Not Feed Bad Shit to Maggots”), act shocked. Blame “legislative bottlenecks” as your $80M facility grinds to a halt. 

Bonus Fail: Sue the government for “stifling innovation.” 

Step 4: Target the most competitive market imaginable  

Commodity animal feed! Yes, go head-to-head with soy and fishmeal – commodities traded globally on razor-thin margins. Underprice yourself by 300% to “gain market share.” When reality bites, pivot frantically: “Actually, our maggot oil is perfect for luxury pet shampoo, even better than snake oil or tiger balsam!” Watch as your sales team tries to convince a skeptical Golden Retriever owner that $50/lb “BSF Frass” is essential for shiny fur.

Step 5: Over-process like your life depends on it  

Harvested larvae? Don’t just sell them live or dried like some peasant farmer in Thailand. No! Invest in a $30M processing line: dehydrate, mill, defat, extrude, pelletize, and nano-encapsulate those suckers! Turn a simple, protein-rich grub into a dusty, energy-intensive powder that costs $15,000/ton to produce. Sell it for $1,500 (to gain market share). Synergy!

Step 6: Ignore that guy with the shed in Kenya  

While you’re drowning in debt, some dude in Nairobi is quietly making a profit. He feeds flies on free chicken poop, dries them on a corrugated tin roof, and sells them live to local fish farms. Disgusting! Unscalable! Not venture-backable! Clearly, his model is irrelevant. Double down on your bioreactors instead.  

Step 7: Blame everyone but yourself  

When bankruptcy looms (congratulations!), deploy these key narratives:  

*   “The market wasn’t ready for our disruption!”

*   “Regulators hate the planet!”

*   “If only we’d raised another $100M!”

*   “Pet shampoo trends moved to cricket collagen!”

Your prize?

A scorched-earth factory, furious investors, and a case study in “How Not to Insect.” But hey – you made WIRED’s “Top 10 Climate Tech Flameouts.” Wear it like a badge of honor. And of course you cashed in most of your stocks in the biggest and baddest investment round. Suckers! 

TL;DR: Raise huge capital → Build obscenely complex tech → Ignore unit economics → Break laws → Target saturated markets → Profit? → Collapse. Nailed it.💥 

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Disclaimer: This “guide” tragically mirrors the real-world implosions of multiple insect protein unicorns. Consult a sarcasm detector before attempting. And these statements have absolutely nothing to do with any real-life case or company, pure fabrication. Right?

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Cover picture by Oleg Gamulinskii from Pixabay